Appreciation

It’s been the weirdest week ever. It was a kind of bad week but it was more than that: it was just weird. I can’t expain it. It just felt strange, like it would never end, and it was weird because I felt nervous all week.

I dunno. Do you ever have weeks like that? Yesterday one of the cats (Sata) got sick, and was literally crawling across the floor, meowing in a pitiful, scary way. I was terrified he was going to die. He started throwing up and after he had emptied the contents of his stomach he found a corner and just curled up there. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever witnessed, especially because Sata and I have become so especially close in the past week or so. He curls up with me when I go to sleep, and when I wake up he always comes in to greet me.

I was scared, but it really makes you appreciate what you have all the more. He’s a wonderful cat and I’m so happy he’s mine, especially because he just loves everyone unconditionally. Last night I thought I was going to lose him and I hated thinking that. This morning when I woke up, and he came running in to greet me, I couldn’t even explain the relief I felt. He’s just the right kind of cat.

What have you come to appreciate in the past week?

February 20, 2009 @ 8:12 pm . Comments (5)

General — Tags: cats, lessons, pets

It all started with a Sailor Moon

Things have been hectic lately. We decided that we would take the house, despite some unforeseen issues, and so I’ve been signing leases, paying deposits, giving them my soul - you know, the usual. Valentine’s Day was nice - in fact, the entire weekend was nice. We lazed around on Saturday, more so than usual, which involved walking to the grocery store to buy tea, chocolate, and strawberries, and then on the way back stopping by the pond to feed the ducks, which was hilarious and fun. We headed back and had afternoon tea while I read a book and J made chocolate covered strawberries. Way better than the storebought ones, let me tell you. For dinner we headed over to my parent’s for spaghetti. It was a great day, full of family and love.

Last week I drew a silly sketch of Sailor Moon on my notebook in class to make a few friends laugh. One of them said, “That’s not half bad.”

For some reason, I needed that encouragement. I used to be an avid sketcher, always doodling on the sides of my homework, but lately I’ve stopped. I don’t know if people understand the power of unwarranted criticism. It can break a person. They show you a short story they’ve written or a picture they’ve drawn and say, “I want to show this to you.” They didn’t ask you for your advice on how to improve, they didn’t ask you whether their metaphors make sense or their style is too organic. They have made someone, and you have the honor of viewing it. Give them the same honor back of enjoying this. Leave the criticism for the art instructor or the editors.

Unless they ask. “Give me an honest critique.” “Tell me whether you think the pose is off.” “Tell me what I should improve.”

I had the unfortunate circumstance of dating a guy who had the potential to ruin my life. I got out of the relationship within about six months but I still remember his harsh words even today. He destroyed drawing for me. Every piece I produced, every painting I tried, he found fault with, criticized, tore apart. Never once said he liked them. And it ruined me. I never drew seriously for a long time, and after that it was just a few things. I turned my attention to writing.

I know what you’re thinking - you’re thinking that I can’t take criticism. No one likes to hear their work isn’t perfect, but it’s the only way you learn. I took an art class and the criticism I had there was what made me grow as an artist. It made me realize what I’m good at and what I’m bad at, because BOTH of these were pointed out. There’s a difference between criticism in an art class and an attack from your boyfriend that wasn’t even asked for.

But then I had someone tell me my Sailor Moon was pretty good.

As people, and as artists, we need honest criticism as much as we need honest encouragement. Encouragement is telling the person to keep going, keep going! Criticism is telling them how to get even better! But we need both. Criticism without encouragement is painful - encouragement without criticism keeps us doing the exact same thing over and over.

Last night as soon as I was done with a school paper, I took out my old sketchbook and I opened it to a new page, and I drew a small picture. And I liked it. And I showed it to J and he said, “Keep going.”

Drawing will never become anything more for me than just something fun, but I’m glad to have it back again.

February 17, 2009 @ 10:49 am . Comments (4)

Art — Tags: creativity, lessons

For us, for all the world

Have you ever had it when you’ve been thinking a lot about one particular thing, or a bunch of little things that all relate with one overarching theme, but you’re having a hard time putting it into words? I’m sort of having that problem, but it’s more like I know what I want to say, but I don’t have time to say it.

But kind of what I was thinking about was Mill’s idea of the worst kind of tyranny that a majority can impose upon a minority: the kind that gets deep into your soul. Like people in older times or different places that were or are locked up for differing beliefs - at least they still can hold firm because the government cannot lock up their mind. But when you go to a party or post a blog post online and say you like something different from the norm … it’s weird how people just make you feel so bad. And they do it from all sides, in all places, with all opinions. That’s the sort of feeling that gets deep within you, makes you either change your mind or shut up about your different opinions.

My biggest thing right now I think is the fact that I am not enchanted in the least by Obama, and that I didn’t really like McCain either. And the fact that I chose not to vote (before you jump down my throat on THIS, yes, I am registered, yes, I was considering it, yes, I vote in local elections, and my ultimate choice was not to vote in this one). I just had so many people tell me I was crazy or give me the silent treatment or do this weird thing where you could tell they were really annoyed at me but they didn’t want to show it. THAT’S what I’m talking about. I could feel it getting to me - it made me upset, it made me feel like I was weird for being different, for thinking different. People made me feel terrible for not really liking Obama all that much, and people made me feel awful for not voting.

It gets to you. It really does. Even if you brush it off in your mind, when someone says, “What is WRONG with you?” or implies it, you can’t forget it, not really. Everyone has had this sort of thing happen to them - and eventually they either change their mind or stop talking about what they feel. I stop talking. If someone has something to say, I’ll listen to them and respect them and even encourage them to talk, but I don’t say much back. In fact, I hardly ever talk about my opinions - I do it more in the online community because I’m bolder online, but in real life it’s just easier to say nothing.

And, if it’s the only way I can truly hold onto what I believe, then I must stay quiet. I don’t want people getting to me like that.

My thoughts and opinions are challenged nearly every day because I don’t have very mainstream ideas, at least not today. I’m a minority in a lot of my opinions, but I have very Mill-ian ideas about how the world should work. It’s very comforting, though, to know that I am not the only one, that some of these great thinkers warned against or encouraged the very same conclusions I’ve arrived to now.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’ve all had this happen to you, where someone thinks you’re stupid for feeling a certain way. And you KNOW it gets to you. And the worst part is, we all do it. Like, the Obama thing. Liking Obama is clearly a majority thing - he received the most popular votes. And I had some of my closest friends treat me like I was insane. The months leading up the election were very painful for me - very painful. It’s hard to admit that. Hard to admit that people get to you like that. Every single time someone would mention Obama I would tense up. Worse, every single time someone would bring up the election, I would feel that all over again, deep down inside. I had to start avoiding news. I didn’t want to be treated like an outsider. I still don’t.

So I come to you, bearing my soul out to the world. I have minority beliefs - we all do in at least one respect. Some of us here are the weird ones, the ones who thought differently in school and were teased for it. Now that we’ve grown up it hasn’t gotten much better even though we think it has. Adults have more subtle ways of making people feel bad for being weird or having weird opinions.

I implore you, all of you. This is even a reminder to myself. The next time someone says something that’s stupid or weird or different, don’t tease them. Don’t make fun of them. Don’t roll your eyes. You can disagree to them, say, “I see what you’re saying. I don’t know if I feel the same way though, but you have a point.” But don’t make them feel bad for the disagreement.

Embrace the differences for the sake of the weirdness that is in all of us. By stifling us you stifle yourself.

November 15, 2008 @ 11:02 am . Comments (6)

Culture — Tags: insecurities, lessons, living, the world

Who you are

I have a lot of books. Above is the second bookcase I own - notice how the rows of books are nice and neat? Notice how there’s room for my roommate’s DVDs and even some boxes at the top that has my art supplies in them? Yeah, the only reason for that is because I haven’t moved most of the books from my other bookcase to this one. My other bookcase has books horizontally on the shelves so I can stack them up. Then there are stacks of books in FRONT of each stack of books. So, essentially, they’re double stacked and stacked horizontally instead of nice and vertical.

Then I have two boxes of books in my closet.

I have a LOT of books. But I don’t have a LOT of stuff. I find what’s important to me and I keep them because I USE them. But just because I have a lot of books doesn’t mean I have a lot of things I don’t need. I don’t have a fancy TV, I don’t have tons of clothes and makeup, I don’t hoard things from my childhood. Every year I go through my stuff and give a fair amount of it to Goodwill.

So apparently we’re going through some economic/financial crisis right now. Apparently people are freaking out because they think there’s going to be another great depression and so they’re hoarding stuff. To me, this doesn’t sound any different from what people normally do. You DON’T need all that stuff. You can live without your junk, even through a financial crisis.

I know people who keep everything - I know people whose cars look like a trashcan and you can only fit in the front seat because the back seat is completely covered in stuff. People get unreasonably defensive about it, too. They talk about how they NEED that chipped vase because it was their great-grandparents’ and how if they get rid of the ten thousand hangers they have in their closet, half of which aren’t even being used, they might need them later and won’t have them and will panic.

What is up with this fear? You have to choose what’s important to you, and even then you can’t be unreasonable about it. I love books but even I give away books every once in awhile because I will never read them again. And if I do decide to read it later on down the line, well, that’s why libraries exist.

And that’s the whole thing - people are so terrified of not having exactly what they need when they need it, and I ask you, why? Why are you afraid? Also, why do you NEED this stuff? Does it make you feel better as a person to have it? Do you keep it because some day you might look at it again and relive those memories? Take a picture of it and throw it out.

Unclutterer often talks about these ideas but I’ve noticed it often pushes this to an extreme. What I’m saying is you don’t need to get rid of everything - I have two bookcases, for goodness’ sake. But that’s because books are important to me and I read a lot. I have a lot of art supplies as well - they fit nicely in four boxes and I have a fold-up easel too. But I don’t have a lot of junk that I keep around just for memories. I don’t have a lot of furniture, I don’t have a big bed, and I don’t have electronic junk. I don’t have an iPod, I don’t have a stereo, I don’t have ten million DVDs that need their own separate container to store them all. I don’t have a file cabinet - just a magazine holder that holds recent files. Everything older than six months to a year is shredded and thrown out (sometimes scanned first).

The point is I don’t spend the money on this stuff and I don’t fill up my cozy apartment with it either. The first thing most people say when they walk into my apartment is, “Wow, it looks really nice in here! But it’s so small!”

I think Americans in general are used to humongous living spaces. It’s this vicious circle - we buy too much stuff and then we buy a bigger place to fit all our stuff and then we realize we have more space for more stuff so we buy more stuff, and then we think we need a bigger place, and so on. I read somewhere (can’t find the original source) that Americans have much more space than Europeans, and they feel uncomfortable living in small spaces. I don’t think my place is small because I don’t have so much stuff that it feels cramped. There isn’t a lot of square footage but I don’t need a lot of square footage. When did we start valuing more space than we need? When did we start feeling more secure financially when we have a lot of things?

Which brings me back to my original point. You will be able to better survive a financial crisis if you learn to stop relying on material goods, sell the things you don’t need, get out of debt, and stop buying things you can’t afford. Wealth does NOT equal How Much Stuff You Have. Start with one thing at a time - throw something out and don’t look back.

You don’t have to live in a house with nothing. You’re allowed to have hobbies! You’re allowed to keep things you use. But sever that attachment with your material goods. These things do not make you who you are.

October 8, 2008 @ 11:39 am . Comments (5)

Culture — Tags: lessons, living, trends

Been awhile …

A lot has been going on lately. I don’t really know where to start. I’m not even sure if people care what’s been going on. It’s been very hectic.

Instead of making a post about everything that’s been going on, I’m going to make a list of things I’ve learned in the past week:

• Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. This has been my motto as of late. It applies to so much stuff it’s not even funny. It’s all about knowing what you need to do, not what you can do just because it’s there.
• Taking time for yourself is more important than making near-perfect scores. Jeez, do I need this as a constant reminder. I’m way happier when I have some time to myself, and I feel way better too. This in turn makes me less grumpy in general and more able to tackle the tough stuff. Which is more important than making a high A vs. making a low A or high B.
• Wheat tortillas taste really good with spaghetti sauce. Yes, I’m weird. Then again, I eat pickles with peanut butter on top.

Also, I just remembered I forgot to read the Declaration of Independence for class today.

September 25, 2008 @ 12:27 pm . Comments (4)

General — Tags: Health, lessons, well-being

Lessons

I don’t have much time for a full entry, as I’ve got to head over to a friend’s for a party, but today was the first day of school and it didn’t even feel like it. I’m so ready to be done with all this - university was boring, annoying at best, and stressful at worst. I remember when people would tell me how the university years would fly by, and how they would be the best years of my life, and so on and so forth. I can truthfully say that neither of these really happened, but coming here was very important.

I learned a lot, and not just about how fast a processor is compared to a hard drive. I learned about relationships, and people, and becoming independent. I learned a lot of things I wish I had known when I began. I learned that it’s easier for someone to break your heart than you realize, and I learned I’m capable of some pretty awesome things.

I learned that most people are dumb, which is cynical but true. I learned that most people follow trends unnecessarily without even realizing it. I learned that you can’t always be friends with everyone and you can’t always make everyone happy, no matter how good of a person you may be. I learned that some people don’t care about you or me or anyone else but themselves and it’s not the fault of you or me or anyone else but them.

I learned that some of the craziest things you do are the things you remember the most fondly, and most of the time people love you because you’re willing to be silly and to be yourself. I learned how to get outside and how to stay inside. I also learned to love rain.

Most importantly of all, I learned that the most important thing is to do whatever it is you feel like you need to do to make yourself feel whole. Once you truly understand that - truly - you need nothing else.

August 27, 2008 @ 7:02 pm . Comments (2)

General — Tags: lessons, real life, school