Goings on

We’ve not quite decided on the house yet. We put down a deposit to keep it for now and we received the lease but we’re still considering. It’s been such a stressful situation for all of us, because of how big of a decision it is. I’m tired of big decisions. Ever since August it feels like I’ve been making them every single month.

No one ever told me how hard graduating and moving on from school would be, and I feel sort of betrayed. Everyone said how weird it was to go to college and I felt almost prepared for that. This, though. This is different. My mum keeps saying, “Welcome to the real world,” but it’s the real world on a student salary, with a student mindset, and I have known nothing else outside of what I see when I stand on the corner of Speedway and 24th Street. School.

So I’m not sure what to do right now. And even though we got the lease Friday night they’re already sending us reminders to sign it.

I wish everyone would stop talking about the economy. Talking about how bad it is can only make things worse, because everyone gets terrified and then they don’t spend money and right now the best thing everyone can do is act like everything is normal. But it’s like you can’t even read a decorating magazine or an article about bunnies without hearing about it. It’s enough to make you scream, especially for a “just-getting-out-of-school-20-something.” It’s as if people are obsessed.

It’s raining for the first time in a long time. Hot and rainy is the weather for today. Hot and rainy and therefore disgustingly humid, but it’s the first time we’ve had rain in awhile.

Tomorrow is J’s and my one year anniversary.

I’m not one to sit and mope these days. But sometimes you just need a weekend to be a bit bummed out about how fast your life is moving.

February 9, 2009 @ 9:10 am . Comments (5)

Culture — Tags: bad luck, Future, the world

For us, for all the world

Have you ever had it when you’ve been thinking a lot about one particular thing, or a bunch of little things that all relate with one overarching theme, but you’re having a hard time putting it into words? I’m sort of having that problem, but it’s more like I know what I want to say, but I don’t have time to say it.

But kind of what I was thinking about was Mill’s idea of the worst kind of tyranny that a majority can impose upon a minority: the kind that gets deep into your soul. Like people in older times or different places that were or are locked up for differing beliefs - at least they still can hold firm because the government cannot lock up their mind. But when you go to a party or post a blog post online and say you like something different from the norm … it’s weird how people just make you feel so bad. And they do it from all sides, in all places, with all opinions. That’s the sort of feeling that gets deep within you, makes you either change your mind or shut up about your different opinions.

My biggest thing right now I think is the fact that I am not enchanted in the least by Obama, and that I didn’t really like McCain either. And the fact that I chose not to vote (before you jump down my throat on THIS, yes, I am registered, yes, I was considering it, yes, I vote in local elections, and my ultimate choice was not to vote in this one). I just had so many people tell me I was crazy or give me the silent treatment or do this weird thing where you could tell they were really annoyed at me but they didn’t want to show it. THAT’S what I’m talking about. I could feel it getting to me - it made me upset, it made me feel like I was weird for being different, for thinking different. People made me feel terrible for not really liking Obama all that much, and people made me feel awful for not voting.

It gets to you. It really does. Even if you brush it off in your mind, when someone says, “What is WRONG with you?” or implies it, you can’t forget it, not really. Everyone has had this sort of thing happen to them - and eventually they either change their mind or stop talking about what they feel. I stop talking. If someone has something to say, I’ll listen to them and respect them and even encourage them to talk, but I don’t say much back. In fact, I hardly ever talk about my opinions - I do it more in the online community because I’m bolder online, but in real life it’s just easier to say nothing.

And, if it’s the only way I can truly hold onto what I believe, then I must stay quiet. I don’t want people getting to me like that.

My thoughts and opinions are challenged nearly every day because I don’t have very mainstream ideas, at least not today. I’m a minority in a lot of my opinions, but I have very Mill-ian ideas about how the world should work. It’s very comforting, though, to know that I am not the only one, that some of these great thinkers warned against or encouraged the very same conclusions I’ve arrived to now.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’ve all had this happen to you, where someone thinks you’re stupid for feeling a certain way. And you KNOW it gets to you. And the worst part is, we all do it. Like, the Obama thing. Liking Obama is clearly a majority thing - he received the most popular votes. And I had some of my closest friends treat me like I was insane. The months leading up the election were very painful for me - very painful. It’s hard to admit that. Hard to admit that people get to you like that. Every single time someone would mention Obama I would tense up. Worse, every single time someone would bring up the election, I would feel that all over again, deep down inside. I had to start avoiding news. I didn’t want to be treated like an outsider. I still don’t.

So I come to you, bearing my soul out to the world. I have minority beliefs - we all do in at least one respect. Some of us here are the weird ones, the ones who thought differently in school and were teased for it. Now that we’ve grown up it hasn’t gotten much better even though we think it has. Adults have more subtle ways of making people feel bad for being weird or having weird opinions.

I implore you, all of you. This is even a reminder to myself. The next time someone says something that’s stupid or weird or different, don’t tease them. Don’t make fun of them. Don’t roll your eyes. You can disagree to them, say, “I see what you’re saying. I don’t know if I feel the same way though, but you have a point.” But don’t make them feel bad for the disagreement.

Embrace the differences for the sake of the weirdness that is in all of us. By stifling us you stifle yourself.

November 15, 2008 @ 11:02 am . Comments (6)

Culture — Tags: insecurities, lessons, living, the world